Thoughts for Today

I have a story that is not as uncommon as I often tend to believe. I used to be ashamed of what I did and who I was because I thought that other people would look down on me. I am probably right to some degree. There are those who don’t understand the same struggles and pain that I went through. To them, I just sound like a pathetic loser who didn’t know how to toughen up and deal with a little bit of pain. They’re right. To a degree. I didn’t know how to deal with what I had experienced, and I wasn’t sure who I could go to at that point. I tried to think of the list of people who might be able to relate to what I had endured, but the list came up empty every time. Not even God made the list, even though He knew everything already. Yet, in my head, I had convinced myself that this was a problem that I could only just bear. I was wrong. I am usually always wrong. As much as I don’t like to admit that. My stubbornness, however, is probably why I sank as low as I did and harmed myself in multiple ways that will always be a part of me now as I go into the future. However, this is not a story of who I used to be. This is a story of who I was afraid to be. Once I came to the realization that I was not alone with my struggles, I began to realize that I could help someone. I realized that I had tools and knowledge from going through those same things. I was fascinated and intrigued. If there was ever a deep pit, I knew how to get out of it. My desire and ambition though proved to be pitiful as the opportunities came up and I let them pass by. I tried to convince myself that I would get the next one, that it will be fine. One day, I realized that it wasn’t fine. That I was using it as an escape for me not to help the people I knew needed it. I used my pathetic excuses not to take advantage of the greatest tool I had. I began to ask myself what hope could I inspire if I was too afraid to take a step forward? What dreams could I rekindle if I was waiting for the next one? What friendships were I losing if I was hoping someone else would shoulder their burdens? The last question is what gets me the most. I went through this before they did. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I have everything that I need to bring them the same hope, peace, comfort, love, and inspiration that I have now, but I am leaving them to carry a load that they can’t get out from. Who then can they turn to? What substances will they turn to? What harm will the bring themselves? Just to endure the pain for one more day. Just so they can see if one person cares enough to climb down into the pit they’re in and bring them out. And all I can think of is how I’m not. And how can I live with myself for letting someone go through the same thing I did and not stop to crawl back down into the darkness, to go where they are living, and pull them out so they can taste and see what I live in daily.