Thoughts of a Heart

Hoping

2011-05-19T23:53:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone! As Yuki said, we've been very busy recently and haven't had time to post on our blog. Now on my last post, I said I would get into the flip side of what I was talking about. I'm going to say that right now I'm not going to talk about that. I've had something else on my mind that I'd like to share.

Lately I've been thinking about some analogies that relate to life. We all have our analogies for life, but I've been thinking about one particular one. It goes like this: Life is like weightlifting, you do repetitions in exercises, and toward the end, you really want to set down that weight.

This has been on my mind a lot lately (after all, I am doing weightlifting in school). You push or pull, trying to crank out enough reps to build muscle. Toward the end, you want to give up and set the weight down. But you keep pushing or pulling, knowing that soon you'll be able to set the weight down. Three more...if I could just do three more, I'll be happy. This is what you think. And once you get those three, you are satisfied. And what's the end result? You end up with muscle. Now I say life is so much like weightlifting. We live life, and things just stab us right through the heart. We feel like we're going to break into a thousand pieces. We have this weight that we're pushing, and we've done so many repetitions that we just want to set it down and give up.

I have this class that has been really tough on me lately. I don't hate the class, in fact, I think it's awesome. But I've studied so hard for so long. I read the chapters of the textbook. And yet when it comes to the quizzes, I just can't win. Every time I get back a score. I want to set that weight down. It wears me out, drains me of energy, makes me want to quit.

But I don't quit. Why? Well it's not because I have to keep going, no... Nothing is forcing to keep on moving. Instead, I know that in just a few more pushes, I can be happy. Something good will come out of this if I keep on trying. It's not simply the current event that you should be looking at. It's the outcome that will be generated from it. My hopes are high. Every day, I have hope.

Life is hard. I know it's not getting easier. But I'm believing in one thing: Hope. My Hope is God. God is like my partner in weightlifting. When I struggle to lift a bar back up, He's always there, guiding the bar back up. He says to me, "Hang on, I'm coming for you." Life is the largest weight I know. It's heavy, and it keeps getting more weight put onto it. It's hard to push. I hold on, knowing that the end result will bring about something good. Every obstacle that is tossed at me will be a weight added to the load, but if I aim for those last repetitions, I can keep going. Why? Because I'll grow from the experience.

Hope is important to life. Hope is what drives us to the finish line. This is really hard, but maybe next time it'll be better. Hope is something that shouldn't be forgotten. Without hope, we have little motivation to keep going. We'll set that weight down and never build muscle. I may feel like crying right now because of all the pain of my day, but tomorrow may be a better day. We just need to remember this little detail called hope which guides us through our day. All my hopes will lead to a bigger Hope. Are you remembering to hope? God has given promises to us. God doesn't break his promises, but we still hope that one day He'll fulfill them. We hope that one day He'll come for us.

Life is like weightlifting. At the end, we'll find out hope satisfied. How do I know it will be satisfied? God doesn't break His promises, and He provides the ULTIMATE hope.

Mirrors

2011-05-16T20:44:00.000-07:00

Raine said that one day one of us could discuss how too much happiness can lead to emptiness. This is not that day as I am uncertain as to where she was leading. So I am turning this topic to another relevant point.

Raine and I have been very busy over the past year. We've gone through a lot of trials in which we've grown stronger, but we both struggle a lot with insecurities.

Today, I want to talk about mirrors. They show us our reflection of whom we are. They highlight our beauty and our flaws. Or at least, that's what we believe. It is our perception that points our our beauty or flaws. The mirrors shows us exactly as who we are. We are human. As a human, we have our own perceptions of how we should look and criticize every flaw that we see.

I, for one, am guilty of this daily. I point out that I'm heavier than I want to be, my blemishes, my dry lips, the dark circles under my eyes, the wrinkles every time I smile. I could go on, but I think I've made my point. Every flaw gnaws at me and stifles me.

I pull out concealer, lip gloss, and try to suck in my stomach. The mirror defines who I am. I do not define who I am. Which is where I run into my problem. So often, I let an inanimate object tell me that I am ugly. I let it convince me that I am unworthy, unintelligent, and never going to get out of this pit.

The mirror should not define me. I was created by a God who loves me. I was created in His imagine. I am perfect in His eyes. I am the one He sent His son to die for. I am the greatest treasure in all of the earth. So why can't I see past all of my flaws and accept that I am the fairest of all?

Because I let mirrors define me. I don't let what God thinks of me define who I am. I don't let the fact that others love me or call me beautiful define the person I am. No, I let an inanimate object mock me. I can't believe someone real, but I can believe an object. When I put it in that perspective, I feel foolish. I let something so trivial shape the person I am.

But we all do it. We define ourselves by the label we wear, the music we listen to, the games we play, the coffee we drink, the cars we drive, or even the jobs we have. They are all like mirrors. They are what define us most of the time. However, we are children of a God who has everything we could want. We fill ourselves with temporary happiness in our apperances and possessions.

Those things are exactly that: temporary. However, being defined by God and who we are in God are forever. We are never imperfect in His eyes. Do you let yourself be defined by objects instead of Christ? Do you remind others how beautiful they are?

Empty in Happiness, Filled in True Happiness...

2010-09-17T23:48:00.000-07:00

Happiness: a word that brings a bit of joy into our hearts just by considering it. When nothing goes wrong, when all trials are halted for a brief moment of rest, these are some of the times where it almost feels like we're walking blindfolded. Yes, I mean blindfolded. We love happiness. We love peace. Sometimes it's hard to see what could possibly go wrong when you're embracing this happiness, this peace.

Day after day with no troubles, you could walk into the same coffee shop and still not realize the problem. You go home, hang out with some friends, play some video games and do some other things. And then you end your day. As the days, months, years go by, you come to feel empty. Like there's nothing going on inside. You can't feel God working within you. You realize it. An inexplicable emptiness is what you feel inside your soul. Your "happiness" had just come to an end when you reach that inner turmoil. You feel you're reaching out in darkness, not knowing what's in front of you. You can't see the light ahead of you. It's disorienting. You've been blinded so long by the hours you've spent in your familiar coffee shop. You see nothing ahead of you, you feeling nothing inside of you, you think that you have lost God in all of this.

Happiness is a word that we all love. We love to embrace it. But that feeling of emptiness falls on you. Can you even think to know the reason? Suffering. Now that is a word no one entertains the thought of. We dislike feeling pain because it's what brings our family members to commit suicide, to engage in wrongdoings. It hurts us, brings tears to our eyes. Suffering is not the reason for this feeling of emptiness. In this time of happiness, we start to feel as if God isn't even there. Like He's decided you aren't worthy for Him. That's not true at all. Perhaps it's more of a thing that we can't see God in the midst of all of our empty feeling. Maybe our blindfold is so strong that we can't even see Him.

All this time, you've been living this period of time where nothing has gone wrong. Have you ever considered that happiness can be bad for your soul? What a way to take this into a confusing turn, I suppose. We've always known the word "happy" to mean something that will make us smile every day. Sure, you'll stil smile even after that sickness of emptiness starts to kick in... That is, you'll still smile as long as people are around. And we've always known that "suffering" has always been something that hurts us, something that will only bring us tears. You know... Let's just think about this.

God gives us trials to endure so that one day, instead of still feeding on milk like babies, we can chew solid food. God gives us trials to build us up so that we're not weak when dangers come our way. If we live a life purely of happiness, then we can lose sight of God and true happiness. True happiness come with suffering. True happiness comes with tears. Face it, you want a happy life, you're going to have to face everything you're afraid of. There are people out there who may have broken your heart. Be thankful to them. Now I bet this sounds a bit crazy, huh? But, no, be thankful to them because of the suffering they have given you, because in that suffering, you have come closer to true happiness. And let's face it, we won't be truly happy until we're in Heaven with God. :P

Happiness. Happiness is a word that is deceitful sometimes. I think happiness is not a feeling we truly understand. It's so fickle sometimes. One minute you're happy, and the next, you're sobbing in your pillow. When you realize that you've been lacking in suffering, you can see the light penetrating your blindfold. Eventually, God's gentle hands come and take that blindfold off once you realize that He is there, even when you start feeling empty in happiness. Empty in happiness, who would've though? Now, I'm not saying you should go out and bring suffering upon yourself. I'm not saying that if you're happy, then you're wrong. If you are happy, my advice is to spread it to those around you. Smiles are nice, but believe me, hugs are so much better. ;) At least if you're feeling empty in happiness, you can give others a piece of happiness to take home with them. You're accomplishing something in that task.

There's a flip side to the coin that perhaps Yuki or I will soon explain. Too much happiness can lead to that empty feeling. What a weird concept. However, it is not wrong to be happy either... It almost makes no sense, but it does at the same time. When you can see what's been blinding you, you can really learn just what mistakes are involved with your happiness. We can only try to understand happiness better. True happiness is hard to attain. We only know the happiness that leads to emptiness. Do you know where to find your true happiness? I know where. It comes from that Father sitting with His Son up in the skies. Let's try to reach for that True Happiness.

Trusting In God

2010-09-05T20:34:00.000-07:00

Since we've talked about people breaking our trust, I feel that it's only fair we talk about when we feel God lets us down. I have struggled a lot with this and so it's very close to my heart. There are times when I feel that God has let me down, walked away, and is done with me. In the back of my mind, I know that this is far from true. However, when life gets rough and the world feels like it's crashing around me, all I can think of is how I am alone and abandoned.

I am imperfection at its finest. I will never be a perfect person. I will never be perfect at anything that I do. All I can do is strive and I know that even that will not be enough. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not going to be perfect or even close to it. It's hard to see the point of continuing a journey that seems entirely futile.

Yet, that's the beauty of it as well. Even in the midst of my pain and suffering, it's amazing to see the things that God has done to show me the joy and enternity that comes from this life. One of my favorite quotes of all times says; "I never said the journey would be easy, I just said it would be worth it." It's so true that it's not going to be easy. If it were easy, why would we need the forgiveness and grace that comes from God? Or if it wasn't worth it, why would there be such a rich reward at the end?

We struggle so much with people and trusting them. They betray our trust. They lie, cheat, steal, abuse, and take advantage of us. We're just pawns to them. It hurts. It always does. So when God isn't there like we need Him to be, it's easy to say that He is the source of our problem. We want to believe that there is a God who is there throughout all things, who will take care of us, who will make for us a place in His house. Yet, there's so many troubles in this world.

So why does it feel like God betrays us? It's partly our faults. We want someone or something to blame for the troubles in this world. We want there to be an explanation as to why it all happened. Every time we question and doubt, there's always a wedge that's placed between us and God. It's not that He's not there. He is. It's just that it's hard to feel His presence when there are all the doubts about Him. You are the reason why He sent His son on the cross. You are the reason He went through everything.

It hurts God just as much as it hurts us when we feel like He's not there and blame Him. We're the ones who are destroying our relationship with Him. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. When God calls us, He asks that we believe in Him, to put our faith in Him.

Faith is not about having all the answers for the trials in this world. It's not having the clear picture for our future, for His plan, and His design. Faith is about believing in something wholeheartedly in something that is not seen. It doesn't mean that we test the waters and if we decide that it isn't for us and turn away. It's something we have to believe in all the time, no matter how hard the times get.

I hope that you put everything in God, throughout the trials of this world. He'll be there for you. He'll catch you when you're falling and love you when you feel alone. But don't also forget that you are going to stumble and fall. You're going to make mistakes. God has grace and forgiveness for you. He has everything for you. :)

Prepare for Rain Part Two

2010-08-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

I realized in the last post that I covered distractions keeping us prepared for rain. However, I didn't cover everything that could happen. There are times in our lives when we're struggling to keep hold on to our hope. There are times when we are holding on to what little we have and it doesn't seem like enough. We fear that we won't be rescued in time before we stumble completely and end up all alone in the darkness.

Froom personal experience, there have been times where the thread of hope that I've held on to started to break, and I did not know what I was going to do if nothing worked out for me. I had nothing to help me through that except for that thread. It was the only thing keeping me from ending up in darkness. There were times where I thought the thread broke and I had nothing, but it wasn't that it broke, it was that I couldn't see it anymore.

The thread was invisible and while I could still feel it, I couldn't see it. It's easier to believe that something isn't there when it's invisible. Because my heart convinced me that it was gone, I led my life the only way I knew how. I had closed everything off because there was nothing left. I was on my own. I was fighting for myself. I was trying to get myself out by looking for visible things that were merely a mirage.

They enticed, they campaigned, they drew me in because they were solid. I could see them, I could touch them, I could count on them to be the same. That wasn't true. However, because I had closed off, that was all I knew. I had stopped preparing for rain. I had stopped preparing for God to save me because I was onvinced He wasn't going to.

One day, I felt a small tug. I knew it was that thread again. I searched for it, tried to grasp on to it again, but it wasn't there. It was still invisible. It continued to tug and pull me away. It drew back to the point where I could feel it again. I could feel the coarse thread in my hands again. Every step I took closer to finding more of that thread, the thicker it got.

I opened my heart, I prepared it for God. I let Him dwell there. I just had to keep preparing to receive His help.

We all have our times where we're not sure where the thread is or watch with dismay as the thread starts to shrink. However, we have to keep preparing for God to come and change our lives. If we close off our hearts, He can't do anything unless it's prepared. It's like asking God to make for us a feast without providing the items required. We can't have everything from nothing. If we expect that, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Prepare for Rain

2010-08-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for the answers,
but am looking in the wrong place.
I'm waiting for Your voice,
but am not listening to the call.
I'm holding on to hope,
but am letting it slip through my fingers.
I'm crying out for You to save me,
but am burying myself deeper.
I'm long for Your healing,
but am breaking my heart more.
I'm writing songs of praise,
but am thinking words of poison.
I'm seeking Your glorious face,
but am veiling my eyes with evil.
I'm wanting You to be near,
but am pushing you away.
I'm needing Your love,
but am closing up my heart.
(Written by Yukioh, 08/09/10)

Above is a list of contradictions in my life. I know exactly what I want. I know exactly who provides it for me, but I let distractions get in my way. I can see the answer, I can hear the voice, I can feel it in my heart. Yet, it is all set aside for what? Is there a reason why I do these things? Is this the reason why I suffer so much?

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's just part of what everyone struggles with though. When we commit ourselves to Christ, we have several expectations. We know of the grace, love, and promises God gives us. We want all of those and expect them to fall into place. When they don't, we get angry. Our lives weren't supposed to be that way. Our lives weren't supposed to be filled with struggles, suffering, and emptiness.

So we ask ourselves where God is in our lives. We say we're trying. We say we're looking, but are we contradicting ourselves? We can say all that we want, but it comes down to our actions. How many nights have you spent in prayer, asking God for a small sign that everything is going to be all right? I've spent several. His sign, however, may not be the sign I'm looking for. It could be as simple as the dawn of a new day, showing us that He has given us another day for life, another day for Him.

Yet, we're so convinced that there's another sign. We keep looking, we keep waiting, but we're not prepared for it. As the movie Facing the Giants says, we have to prepare for rain. We're waiting for everything, but not prepared for when it happens or comes. Because we're not doing so, we end up with a list of contradictions.

We end up with the list of things in our lives that we've fallen prey to. We let other things consume us while we are waiting. So why do we wait for the Lord if we are not prepared? How can we better prepare for His arrival? And what can we do to make sure we don't let our hearts and minds get distracted in the mean time?

Broken Trust

2010-08-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

There are times when we feel so cold in life, like there's nothing in our hearts even if we've given our hearts to our Savior. We lose faith. It becomes hard to put our trust in people, especially when we've been betrayed before. We tend to keep our feelings inward, deciding that humans aren't worth giving our trust. Trust is such a hard thing. We've been broken, we've been hurt. we've been empty.

I know that at some point in our lives, we all have struggled with these things in one way oranother. Trust is a hard thing for me. Thoughts like "Will they think I'm stupid for thinking this?" or "Will they abandon me once I tell them this?" have gone through my head more than once. And I'm sure they've gone through your at least at one point in your life. It's so hard to confide in people today. There's so much betrayal going around, especially in schools. Teens have the roughest time. We tend to struggle endlessly with drama. The drama within schools has made us, the teens, very unstable. We're afraid to confess our struggles to other people.

A writer's forum I'm on recently held a Moot, a writer's conference I guess you could say. Trust is such a struggle for me too. I keep my feelings inside, and it often leaves my heart feeling heavy. One day was all it took for me to let my barriers fall in front of the people at the Moot. The weight I had been carrying just rolled off my shoulders. I feel refreshed, someone new who came back from this place. It is so great when you can find that group of people who you can immediately put your trust into. God was looking out for me. He knew exactly what I needed.

Sometimes, it is not immediate that we find these groups of people who will listen to you and not betray you. Sometimes, we are meant to endure the pain of the broken trust. This experience of having our trust broken, I think, somehow builds us up for the rest of our lives. It's like the closet virus. We can't shove away the pain of the trust that was broken by someone in our lives. We can only endure it and try our best to help other people who also struggle with it. But that's still hard, isn't it? How can we help someone if we have no trust in anyone?

That's a matter of your own heart. In order to help anyone with broken trust, you have to have your own heart set out straight. Without trust, no one will be helped. Your heart must be in alignment with what you want to do. You can't remain distrustful of the people around you, especially if you want to help them. A word of caution out to you, however.... There are people who want to take advantage of your trust. They will use it to their own advantage and then drag you through the mud. And then they will leave you there, dirty and beaten, to die our in the rain. It's a painful road. Trust and distrust. What are we to do?

Ultimately, we are to trust in God. Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Our God is our refuge, we can trust in Him at all times, and He will never betray us. We tend to miss this detail, skip over it like a section we don't like in a book. If we can put our trust in Him, then maybe we can be able to distinguish the good and the bad. Maybe we can find a way to put our trust into people instantly, like that one moment at Moot. It hurts at first when you let your guard completely down, but it's refreshing that we are able to do so. Without relieving ourselves of our pain, we break our hearts over and over.

I'm tired of my heart breaking. I want it to be in one piece in the hands of its Maker. After that experience at Moot, I hope that I will not let myself remain completely distrutful of people. There are people we can confide in. We don't have to do this alone, but we often try to which leads to our downfall. It will hurt, it will, but remember the relief you will feel afterward.

I leave this post at trust in the Lord. He will surely provide those who you can confide in. And if you struggle with a broken trust, then maybe you can join me in working on who we can pour ourselves out to. This journey is one that only God can help us on. We were made to trust a God higher than all, and so, we were also made to trust people.

Just Try

2010-03-01T20:05:00.001-08:00

Have you ever thought that you're worthless? How about useless? Stupid? Pathetic? Unable to accomplish anything? That you're just not good at anything? Don't feel like you're alone. Many have felt the same.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, and I realize that I've been struggling with some of these questions myself. And what do you do when you find this out? You get depressed. Lately, I've been thinking about what I want to do as a career. I found out that I'm not perfect at playing music. I found out I'm not perfect at writing either. I found out I'm not perfect at writing music. I found out my writing isn't perfect. I found out my drawings aren't perfect. All this leads me to think "I'm not perfect, so how can I even dream to achieve my goals or let alone have a job?"

Now before you bop me on the head, I do have something to say. I already knew that I wasn't perfect, and that I can only try to achieve perfection (but really now, only God can be perfect). The issue actually was not that I could never be perfect. The issue was that I kept telling myself "I can't". Things like "I can't write music because I'm not awesome at it" kept popping into my head. Then I went to a memorial for one of my friend's grandma. I thought "Why can't I?" I tried to think up a good reason to say why I can't.

All this time, I had been calling myself pathetic because I couldn't do anything perfectly. Right now, I wonder what in the world was I thinking? I can't say I can't if I haven't tried! I'm not even through highschool yet... And if I really wanted to achieve my dreams then I should try with all my might to achieve those dreams. "I can't" is not a reason. It's an excuse. It's a fear of trying.

If you want to achieve your dreams, you can't let other people try to laugh at your dream. You can't be afraid to mess up. Today, everyone learns from their mistakes. No one ever learns from their perfection. Mistakes are a good thing because they help you to know not to do that again. However, we shouldn't try to make mistakes on purpose. You'll only be hurting yourself if you do that.

So with all this said, there is a dream that you have. Don't let anything stop you from pursuing it. God made us to have dreams. Even God has dreams He wants to achieve. Do you see Him quitting? Let's stop telling ourselves that we can't, and let's start trying instead. You can't be perfect, but you can sure do your best to try to be better everyday. Also, what you write/draw/play/whatever might not sound good to you, but some other person might think it's brilliant. Don't give up. That's a note to me too.

Because He Lives

2010-02-01T13:58:00.000-08:00

There are moments in life when we are smacked on the head with realization of something. It can happen at the most random times or the moments when we are lost and utterly confused. I am going to stray a little from the topic and talk about my moment where I realized something very important. I feel that we lose this message far too often and it is good to have a reminder somewhere to reference back to when we need.

My moment of realization took place yesterday during church. We were singing a song called “Because He Lives” and one of the lines in that song goes “And life is worth the living just because He lives”.

While coming home from church, I was thinking through the songs and the messages. I realized something very important that I had missed before. For several years, I have struggled in several aspects of my life. Each of these struggles have affected my life in different aspects, mostly bad.

I constantly battle between who I am and what I want to be. Usually, I set aside God and everything that He has done for me (I’m not perfect and because I do that, it hurts me even more to know that I set aside God for something that eventually led me nowhere).

Because of some of my choices, I have come to regret and hate what I have done. It hurts me to know that I am the one who caused this separation between me and God. My life has been this constant back and forth between trying to find a reason to keep on going. That song really touched me because I realized that I had a reason worth living.

I had everything right in front of me and I ignored it all. God was my reason for living. He was the reason that I have continued to move forward each day. He is the reason and because of that reason, I can go on. I can fight. I can be strong. I can endure. I can do everything because of Him.

I had convinced myself that I was not worth anything and that I could never be forgiven for what I have done to myself. God proved me wrong. He showed me that I still had a reason to live and in spite of everything that He still loves me. What’s even more is that He takes me back, no matter how broken or bruised I am. No matter what I think of myself or of my life up until this point. He always wraps His arms around me and gives me another reason to continue fighting.

He loves me even more and when I fall down, He is the first by my side. He does not care about my flaws. He does not care about my past. He does not care about my current problems. He is always back, waiting for me to reach out to Him. He does not see this ugly person, He sees His child that has finally come back to Him. He feeds me, He comforts me, He sits by my side, He tells me how much He loves me. Even if I have done things that I regret, they are now a part of me and He still accepts me.
I cannot go back and change the past.

I can’t change my words, actions, thoughts, or behavior. They are now a part of who I am and what I have become. They are what make me the person I am today. They are what influence my choices and have become a layer in the foundation that is laid. What is more is that I do not have to let my past bring me back to the places where I do not ever want to return.

That does not mean I have to forget my past in order to move on. It is a part of me. I can, however, use it as a powerful testament to others instead of letting it be a weight that brings me down. My past is my story. It is my tale of how I came to God and how God healed me. It is the same for you.

You can help other people and share your message with them. Don’t let your past or present control you. You can control. If you ever need help, we are here and God is waiting to be by your side as well. Do not think let others tell you otherwise. There is always help. Will you accept it?

Worry Not

2010-01-18T23:17:00.000-08:00

I know that we get frustrated with some things in our lives. Sometimes we just get so consumed with all the worries that go on around us that we go blind on all the blessings we have. Worry: something that pulls our main focus away from our path. Whenever crisis comes, we tend to flip out and run around like little children in fear of tomorrow. So often, people have tried to predict the end of the world, and guess what? It scared people. They worried about the world ending. Right now, they should know that the world is going to end when God says it’s going to end instead of fretting about it. Worry is often frightening.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Running Start (or otherwise known as doing high school but at a college) and worrying that I won’t know exactly what I want to do when I get there. I keep getting frustrated because I don’t know everything I want with my life. And now, I’m worn out throughout the day and have a hard time dealing with talking to people. School gets really boring. I know that when some people get frustrated, they say things they don’t mean to. It might be different for me. I know the things I should say, and in truth, they are the nice things that people need to hear. But I don’t say them. I get worried that I’m going to have a mental breakdown before Running Start.

Thinking about it now, I wonder what would happen if I stopped worrying about the future. I know that all the way that God will be right beside me. Maybe this is more of a time for prayer. This school year, well, it’s been pretty boring. I’ve been falling asleep during class. I’ve been forgetting things as soon as I learn them. And though I know I don’t have the greatest memory, I know that I should be trying harder than this. Thing is, I have so much of my life ahead of me. If I spent all my time trying to pick out all the little things that make me shaken, then I will have a mental breakdown. I guess this is why God says not to worry about tomorrow. (Matt. 6:34) If I truly want to follow Him, then I should trust Him with my future. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t think about what I want to do for Running Start. God knows exactly what He has planned for me.

So instead of running around like children, screaming because we're consumed with worry, we should let God handle the worries of life. We have so much to deal with already. Why should we have another thing on our plate? There is no need to waste days in our worries; I know that there are more things that need my attention now. :)

The Puzzle Piece of Hope

2009-12-18T01:33:00.000-08:00

There’s a piece of the puzzle that has been left out of what we’ve been talking about. And I must say that this piece is very important. It makes our hope for each day. It brings us a happiness we’ve never encountered before. It heals the broken heart of a poor child’s soul. It gives us comfort in the time of danger. When we’re feeling down, we’re often searching for something to lift our spirits up. The hurt of a betrayal, the death of a loved one, the agony of just living each day, something about this puzzle piece makes life more bearable.

Life brings us the many troubles of the world, and in this time, trouble is spreading. People are constantly looking for that special puzzle piece, but somehow, it’s completely lost. And there are those who have found that puzzle piece and now are complete with the joy they hold in their hearts. Some just want to believe that there is no puzzle piece to fill in that empty space. Everyday, there are people around the world making silly mistakes, and they come to regret what they’ve done. They lose hope. They stop looking for that missing puzzle piece. Depression eats away at their mind, and they stop listening to the healthy advice from other people when it comes around. Public schools have thought that puzzle piece as rubbish. Politicians laugh at those who search for it. Scientists try to disprove it from existence. Our country when it began started on this piece. It brought hope for those living in this afflicting world. But you might wonder how a puzzle piece can heal your scars, bring happiness to your depressed soul, or help you walk on your two legs again. After all, isn’t it just an object?

Some of you might already know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about God. I’m talking about Jesus, our Savior. He’s the Way to ultimate Hope. He’s the puzzle piece that makes our lives complete. Jesus promises us hope that will never fade. There are people out there in our world that would call me stupid for believing in God. Those people are the public schools, the politicians, the scientists, and everyone else who stops looking for the puzzle piece. They hold no hope that true happiness can ever be acquired.

Hope isn’t something you should throw away. Hope gives you a reason for living each day to the fullest. And more, hope brings the sunshine into your soul. You know what? God gives that hope. He heals the hearts of the broken, even when they’re depressed. He still loves the people who lose their way. We’ve been talking about depression and broken hearts. The thing is, your final step for obtaining true happiness is to know that God loves and accepts you for who you are. He won’t walk away on you. That puzzle piece is always lying in the same spot. The puzzle piece lies right in front of your face, but it’s your choice to decide whether or not that’s the real piece to fit into the puzzle.

We’ll go through trials; trials that will bring pain to our hearts. We must not give in. Holding on to that Hope, that puzzle piece, will help us through each day. I love my Lord and Savior. He brings the Light in my heart and heals the scars that pain me. He wipes away those tears on my face. Jesus pulls me out from that depression and shows me something better. Don’t let the world shut down your hopes, and certainly don’t follow the trend consuming society.

The Hurt Slowly Fades Away

2009-12-15T18:05:00.001-08:00

I must confess that this subject is a little too close to my comfort zone. It was difficult for me to write this because of how close it touches me. It is never easy to deal with betrayal of a loved one or friend. You wanted to believe that they would never do anything to harm you, you confided in them your deepest secrets and then they decided they have had enough.

They hurt you in the worse manner possible, using everything that you told them against you without remorse and never feeling apologetic. After all, you were only a tool and you were no longer useful. Even if you come to accept that you meant very little to them, it does nothing to fill the void in your heart.

You constantly beat yourself up and ask “Why did this have to happen? Why am I the one who was betrayed? What did I do to them that could possibly make them act like that? Was I not enough? Was I the problem all of this time?” Depression: it sinks in and never wants to let you go. Your struggles from day to day increase. You can never seem to find out the answers to your questions, making you believe that it was your fault all along.

No matter what others tell you, you cannot convince yourself that you have any value left. I know how this goes. My best friend at the time hurt me in such a way that I could not easily recover. I sat in the middle of depression for years because I could not find a way out, I could not convince myself that I was not the one at fault.

I tried to tell myself that it was not true, that I was better off without them. However, every time I thought I was getting better, I would sink again. It became so bad that I did not know how I was going to live through each day. There was not a day that went by that I did not think of my former friend. I had no way to deal with the pain that I was dealing with and the fact that she was always on my thoughts did not help. My life has changed since then. I may not be as strong as I project on the outside, but I know that the day will come when I am able to be so.

Through all of my struggles and the deep pain of losing a friend so dear to me has brought me to one thing; the hurt slowly fades away. It takes time, yes. It takes courage to face each day. It takes will and determination to never let you or anyone else stand in your way. It takes strength to keep on fighting, even when those around you will not spare you a moment. It takes even more to open yourself up and put yourself in a position where the possibility to be hurt is present.

The choice is ours, always. We have to decide whether or not we are going to fight and stand again. If we let others define us or tell us what to do, we never have a chance. Living up to others’ standards is how we set ourselves up for failure. We have to choose what we are going to do. Our standards might be lower than others, but we are not trying to be perfect, we are trying to be happy.

If we are happy with ourselves, each day becomes more bearable and we are able to look at the brighter side of things. As we continue to do that, the hurt continues to ease. We can manage each day by taking it one step at a time. We can write out our frustrations if life starts to get us down again, but we do not have to let it restrain us.

When we do, we remain stuck in a dark put that never seems to have an end. However, there is a way to get out. There is always a way to get out. Do not ever give up because you have a life ahead of you. Even if you can’t see it now, there is a path that is there for you to follow. All you have to do is look for it.

The Closet Virus

2009-11-14T01:31:00.000-08:00

Now you’ve heard about being the one listening. Let’s try putting you in the shoes of the person opening up their heart. Read carefully, think everything through. You might be the one in this situation or one coming upon this situation.

Your past fills your mind so much that it brings down your day. Every stupid mistake, no matter how big or how small it is, repeats over and over in your mind until it burns into your memory. You thought you had thrown all these things into a closet where it would rot away, but instead it came back just to haunt you. Your whole mood turns negative. You start snapping at people that you don’t really want to snap at in your mind. Tears of pain fill your eyes everyday that passes by. You start to feel really tired and dread each day that comes your way. You search for what was the start of it all, what brought all this hurt onto your soul for these days. Next up, you start to think that life’s not worth living, that there’s no one in the world who can care for you. This brings us up toward the point where you spill your secrets to a stranger who leaves to grab coffee afterward.

What was the start of it all? Was it that some boy/girlfriend totally ruined your life? Was it that you said something you shouldn’t have that broke up a deep relationship with one of your friends? You can’t seem to find the answer, can you? Once you think you’ve located it, it slips through your fingers.

Stop for a moment. Stop thinking about your past or what you’ve done just for five minutes. Are you thinking of something? There’s a problem with this. You know there is. Need some help? The first mistake, even if you don’t believe that it’s this simple, is that you threw the memories you hated into a closet where they mutated into a virus, a virus that now plagues you. This virus comes to berate you for all the things you’ve done. It’s come back to eat you away until you give in to it. Is there a cure? Why, it’s funny that you should ask because there is. And if you think if the cure is trying to forget it, then you a quite wrong. You ask for forgiveness from the one(s) you have wronged, whether they give it to you or not isn’t your problem. The next two steps are tricky. You have to forgive yourself, forgive yourself from all the wrongdoings you have done to those around you.

Forgiving yourself, is there something wrong with that? No, forgiving yourself is one of the most important steps. You must forgive yourself since you realize you have done something wrong, you have to say you’re sorry in order to feel better. Follow me onto the next step. You have to live with the forgiveness that you’ve received, you have to live through each day, knowing the wrongs you’ve done, but you can’t live on them. If you live on them, you are not taking a step forward. We’ve all done something stupid in our lives. Sometimes we have a hard time forgiving ourselves. It does take time, I’ll admit, and some people can escape it much faster than others can. Think about it. You have to live knowing that you’ve done something wrong and still be happy. Does that sound painful? Not to me anyway. I’ve done some stupid things myself, and I still find myself laughing all the time. There are too many topics I would like to dive into that bounce off this, but eventually, you will see them all.

Try asking for the forgiveness of others, and then the forgiveness of yourself. My advice, don’t dwell on your past, no. You need to focus on today because we tend to miss every opportunity that comes our way. We tend to miss the fact that our brother/sister might need our help. We miss the important things in life. Sure, we are important, but our brother/sister is important too. So please, please don’t dwell on your past, the mistakes you’ve made. Don’t throw it into a closet where it will mutate to kill you off. Everyday is a new day. The day starts off clean. Yesterday doesn’t matter because it is in the past. But still, don’t try to forget it. It will haunt you. Do everything in your power to make today the best day, not try to find the source of your problem. Forgive and live. “I'm holding on to things I shouldn't. It's time to let them go. I've been on a losing streak, hit so hard I couldn't speak, but when I hear Your voice it fades away. And I can hear You say it's a brand new day, the pain goes away. I'm headed for the door, and I'm going home. I'm going home.” ~ “Brand New Day” by Fireflight

It’s a brand new day. Let’s try not to live on what happened yesterday, but let’s try to live on today. If the person walked away just because they thought they wanted coffee, that’s not your problem. Don’t miss what is sitting right in front of your face. Don’t miss that other person sitting in your own house, suffering with a similar pain. Smile for them, love them, let them know that you are always there. Be their friend.

I close with that. Remember, you don’t want to catch a virus. We have enough problems already. Thanks for taking time to read this. I hope this helps you in some way. May the rest of your week be filled with happiness. *hugs you*

Let's put the Coffee Aside...

2009-10-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

Someone decides to pour out their heart to you, dumping all that goes on in their thoughts onto your shoulders. They ramble about how depressed they are and how they just wish they could disappear. You hear every word they say, maybe some of it escapes your thoughts, but you retain most of what they explained to you. They close their speech with broken tears and rub their eyes. You chuckle and stand up. Your hand touches their shoulder as they look up to your grinning face. “Hey,” you say, “don’t worry about it. We all feel like this sometimes. All you have to do is forget about it and move on.” Then you walk away and get in your car. Maybe you decide to grab some Starbucks on the way home.

You don’t realize what you left behind you. When you stepped into your car, that same person continued their cries, much louder than they were before. People walking near the building gawk at the person and then casually walk away as nothing happened.

Fact is, that person’s heart had been shattered. It was already broken while they were speaking to you, but it fell into millions of pieces when you said those three sentences. They feel like an idiot, so stupid that they thought they could put their trust in you. They feel used. And all the while you’re drinking your Starbucks, this person is crying out in agony for someone to mend their soul.

Okay, now I bet you’re wondering what that story has anything to do with listening. Think about it. Someone pours out their hearts you. You hear what they say and say something in response, but that particular response only injures them further. While you were sitting in front of them, thinking to yourself “I really need some coffee”, they were breaking up inside. They trusted you with the thoughts of their heart and spilled their guts in front of you. And you said “Don’t worry about it, okay? Shoot, it’s 3 o’clock. I need to go get some coffee…” Again, I’m telling you to think about it. You did nothing wrong, right? You gave them a word of encouragement to try to cheer them up. You listened to their ramble. So you did nothing wrong. Heh, a word of encouragement is not wrong. The last sentence of what you said was. “All you have to do is forget…” how many times do we say that to ourselves? Probably many. But fact is, forgetting isn’t going to help it. It’s putting a band-aid on a gushing wound.

In order to help someone when they are consoling you, you have to make a choice to listen to their hearts and not their words. Listen to their emotion. That person cracked down in tears at the very end of their explanation. Something pained their hearts. And all the while you chose to think that you really needed to get home or that you needed coffee.

A person is far more valuable than your coffee. Put yourself in that person’s place. They made a choice to talk to the likes of you because they thought you would listen. You both had to make a choice, and the choice is the most difficult part of a conversation. Choosing to ignore them and saying “forget it” isn’t going to help someone who could be mortally wounded. Be a doctor for your friends. They need your comfort, so make the choice to listen to them when they need you. There’s even people out there who aren’t exactly your friends, but some of them are going to open up to you. You are the key to helping someone else survive. And give them a hug too! Let them know that they are loved, that you will always be there for them to tell them that they’re not alone. Put aside your coffee. Put aside even your work, if the situation requires it, to speak out to your friend and find out what they’re going through.

Now choosing plays a major factor in a lot of things, but this section is only for listening. Will you not only start listening, but will you start choosing to listen to their hearts?

Taking the Time to Listen

2009-10-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

Listening to a person drone continuously on about a subject can be boring. We have all had instances where we tune out what the person is saying because we simply do not care at the moment. We are too busy thinking about what else we need to do today and if we will have time to get our fix for caffeine on the way to the next item on the list.

We race from one task to another, telling people that we will talk to them if they make it fast and simple. However, we are not really listening to the words that they are saying, the feelings in their voice, whether or not this subject means a lot to them. We brush it off and continue on with our lives, with what we want to do.

Conversations, that used to fill up entire afternoons are now filled with quick, short-handed messages that often are shallow and never delve into the deeper topics of life, or they do and we do not completely listen to the whole problem. Then when a problem escalates, we wonder where it all went wrong.

We often want to blame the person, saying that they never told us about what they were going through. However, the opposite is true. They told us, we were not prepared to listen. We were not ready to receive what they are saying. By not being able to receive their words, we are also not understanding what they are saying and therefore are less effective when giving advice.

While just even taking the time to listen can be a problem, it’s relating and trying to understand where people are coming from that is another challenge. While there are situations where we cannot relate to others on and all we can do is hug them, there are times when we can offer advice when we have gone through a similar situation.

However, those conversations are disappearing from our daily lives. With all of the technology that we have these days, it make it easier for us to disconnect with people and be friends from afar. We may want to care, but our hearts need to be there to listen so that we can open up and understand others.

Will you open up to start listening to others?

Begin Again

2009-10-03T22:22:00.000-07:00

When writing about thoughts of the heart, you are forced to look at yourself in a way that is often uncomfortable. There are many skeletons hiding in our biggest closet, the heart that we often do not want to confront because of past horrors that often leave us scarred forever. We do not know how to deal with them so we bury them and hope that no one knows.

However, we go back several years later, they are still there. What we often do not realize is that they have held onto us for so long that we accepted them as normal. Our hearts are both our most precious and terrifying thing; we are both afraid of it and want it to feel good at the same time.

We often do not feel good most of the time. That is because we let the problems of our past get in our way in a bad way. Instead of dealing with the pain, we want to forget about it. However, it often ends up controlling our actions and leads us to very dangerous stunts that most of us regret. We often think that in order to lead a better, happier life, we have to forget about what happened to us in the past.

That is not the case. Your past is what makes you the person you are today, it strengthens you and points out your weaknesses so that you can improve them. By shoving away your “skeletons”, you are also ignoring the lessons that you could be learning.

It is hard to accept, but it is the truth. You cannot grow from an experience if you are not willing to find the answers. You have to search for them. On this blog, you are looking for answers in different thoughts. You are trying to discover different sides that you may have never thought, or thought about and discarded it as irrelevant at the time.

There will be times when a topic will hit too close to home and it is up to you whether you will confront the issue or skip over it, shove it aside, and bury it once more. There are people that think that they are doing themselves a favor by pushing it aside, but it is far from that. It is hurting your already broken heart more. If you cannot pick yourself up already, where else will you go?

Instead of thinking of each topic that comes too close for your comfort as a constant reminder of your hurt, think of it as an opportunity to begin again. “Take my hand and then, We can find a new beginning, Let's begin again, While there's still time.” —Ray Boltz’s “Let’s Begin Again”. It is time to begin once more, to find a path that will help us instead of hurt.

Thank you for reading; I hope you find this helpful.

~Yuki

A Thought's Beginning

2009-10-03T00:05:00.000-07:00

"'Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?' he asked. 'Begin at the beginning,' the King said, gravely, 'and go on till you come to the end: then stop.'" – Lewis Carroll in his Alice in Wonderland. The way of life goes, all things have to start at a beginning, including little things like this blog. A novel needs a writer to place those first few words onto the paper. A building needs a construction worker to erect its walls. Homework assignments need a student to solve that first problem. Everything has a beginning, and eventually, an end. I imagine everyone has felt the relief when they finished that last problem on their homework, knowing that they could participate in whatever they so pleased. Sure, we all continue to receive more tasks on our plates, but that’s why they call the first time the beginning. After the beginning, well, you’ve got the middle and it keeps adding up.

Where am I going with this? I bet that’s what you’re wondering. This blog is now the beginning of exploring the thoughts of a heart. Things will start to unravel, questions will be asked, discussions are permitted, and I most welcome anyone who wishes to comment. Dive in with me, don’t bury your head in the sand, everyone has heard thoughts of their own heart. The heart of each person varies since no one is the same as another person. We all have our pain, whether emotional or physical, I don’t know, and that pain leads to certain thoughts, thoughts of which I call thoughts of the heart. It’s okay that you have questions. If there is something on your heart, something that you want explained, feel free to speak up and tell me that you want me to explain a certain topic to you. I will not ignore you. No one should feel out of place because their opinion differs from mine or yours.

A beginning has come with a path to explore. You are welcome to stay and see where our journey ends up. You are also welcome to turn around and say that this is stupid. I won’t mind. I won’t stop you. Thank you, my readers, for taking time to read through the beginning of my little blog. :)

~ Raine