Thoughts for Today

I have a story that is not as uncommon as I often tend to believe. I used to be ashamed of what I did and who I was because I thought that other people would look down on me. I am probably right to some degree. There are those who don’t understand the same struggles and pain that I went through. To them, I just sound like a pathetic loser who didn’t know how to toughen up and deal with a little bit of pain. They’re right. To a degree. I didn’t know how to deal with what I had experienced, and I wasn’t sure who I could go to at that point. I tried to think of the list of people who might be able to relate to what I had endured, but the list came up empty every time. Not even God made the list, even though He knew everything already. Yet, in my head, I had convinced myself that this was a problem that I could only just bear. I was wrong. I am usually always wrong. As much as I don’t like to admit that. My stubbornness, however, is probably why I sank as low as I did and harmed myself in multiple ways that will always be a part of me now as I go into the future. However, this is not a story of who I used to be. This is a story of who I was afraid to be. Once I came to the realization that I was not alone with my struggles, I began to realize that I could help someone. I realized that I had tools and knowledge from going through those same things. I was fascinated and intrigued. If there was ever a deep pit, I knew how to get out of it. My desire and ambition though proved to be pitiful as the opportunities came up and I let them pass by. I tried to convince myself that I would get the next one, that it will be fine. One day, I realized that it wasn’t fine. That I was using it as an escape for me not to help the people I knew needed it. I used my pathetic excuses not to take advantage of the greatest tool I had. I began to ask myself what hope could I inspire if I was too afraid to take a step forward? What dreams could I rekindle if I was waiting for the next one? What friendships were I losing if I was hoping someone else would shoulder their burdens? The last question is what gets me the most. I went through this before they did. I have the tools. I have the knowledge. I have everything that I need to bring them the same hope, peace, comfort, love, and inspiration that I have now, but I am leaving them to carry a load that they can’t get out from. Who then can they turn to? What substances will they turn to? What harm will the bring themselves? Just to endure the pain for one more day. Just so they can see if one person cares enough to climb down into the pit they’re in and bring them out. And all I can think of is how I’m not. And how can I live with myself for letting someone go through the same thing I did and not stop to crawl back down into the darkness, to go where they are living, and pull them out so they can taste and see what I live in daily.

Hoping

Hello, everyone! As Yuki said, we've been very busy recently and haven't had time to post on our blog. Now on my last post, I said I would get into the flip side of what I was talking about. I'm going to say that right now I'm not going to talk about that. I've had something else on my mind that I'd like to share.

Lately I've been thinking about some analogies that relate to life. We all have our analogies for life, but I've been thinking about one particular one. It goes like this: Life is like weightlifting, you do repetitions in exercises, and toward the end, you really want to set down that weight.

This has been on my mind a lot lately (after all, I am doing weightlifting in school). You push or pull, trying to crank out enough reps to build muscle. Toward the end, you want to give up and set the weight down. But you keep pushing or pulling, knowing that soon you'll be able to set the weight down. Three more...if I could just do three more, I'll be happy. This is what you think. And once you get those three, you are satisfied. And what's the end result? You end up with muscle. Now I say life is so much like weightlifting. We live life, and things just stab us right through the heart. We feel like we're going to break into a thousand pieces. We have this weight that we're pushing, and we've done so many repetitions that we just want to set it down and give up.

I have this class that has been really tough on me lately. I don't hate the class, in fact, I think it's awesome. But I've studied so hard for so long. I read the chapters of the textbook. And yet when it comes to the quizzes, I just can't win. Every time I get back a score. I want to set that weight down. It wears me out, drains me of energy, makes me want to quit.

But I don't quit. Why? Well it's not because I have to keep going, no... Nothing is forcing to keep on moving. Instead, I know that in just a few more pushes, I can be happy. Something good will come out of this if I keep on trying. It's not simply the current event that you should be looking at. It's the outcome that will be generated from it. My hopes are high. Every day, I have hope.

Life is hard. I know it's not getting easier. But I'm believing in one thing: Hope. My Hope is God. God is like my partner in weightlifting. When I struggle to lift a bar back up, He's always there, guiding the bar back up. He says to me, "Hang on, I'm coming for you." Life is the largest weight I know. It's heavy, and it keeps getting more weight put onto it. It's hard to push. I hold on, knowing that the end result will bring about something good. Every obstacle that is tossed at me will be a weight added to the load, but if I aim for those last repetitions, I can keep going. Why? Because I'll grow from the experience.

Hope is important to life. Hope is what drives us to the finish line. This is really hard, but maybe next time it'll be better. Hope is something that shouldn't be forgotten. Without hope, we have little motivation to keep going. We'll set that weight down and never build muscle. I may feel like crying right now because of all the pain of my day, but tomorrow may be a better day. We just need to remember this little detail called hope which guides us through our day. All my hopes will lead to a bigger Hope. Are you remembering to hope? God has given promises to us. God doesn't break his promises, but we still hope that one day He'll fulfill them. We hope that one day He'll come for us.

Life is like weightlifting. At the end, we'll find out hope satisfied. How do I know it will be satisfied? God doesn't break His promises, and He provides the ULTIMATE hope.

Mirrors

Raine said that one day one of us could discuss how too much happiness can lead to emptiness. This is not that day as I am uncertain as to where she was leading. So I am turning this topic to another relevant point.

Raine and I have been very busy over the past year. We've gone through a lot of trials in which we've grown stronger, but we both struggle a lot with insecurities.

Today, I want to talk about mirrors. They show us our reflection of whom we are. They highlight our beauty and our flaws. Or at least, that's what we believe. It is our perception that points our our beauty or flaws. The mirrors shows us exactly as who we are. We are human. As a human, we have our own perceptions of how we should look and criticize every flaw that we see.

I, for one, am guilty of this daily. I point out that I'm heavier than I want to be, my blemishes, my dry lips, the dark circles under my eyes, the wrinkles every time I smile. I could go on, but I think I've made my point. Every flaw gnaws at me and stifles me.

I pull out concealer, lip gloss, and try to suck in my stomach. The mirror defines who I am. I do not define who I am. Which is where I run into my problem. So often, I let an inanimate object tell me that I am ugly. I let it convince me that I am unworthy, unintelligent, and never going to get out of this pit.

The mirror should not define me. I was created by a God who loves me. I was created in His imagine. I am perfect in His eyes. I am the one He sent His son to die for. I am the greatest treasure in all of the earth. So why can't I see past all of my flaws and accept that I am the fairest of all?

Because I let mirrors define me. I don't let what God thinks of me define who I am. I don't let the fact that others love me or call me beautiful define the person I am. No, I let an inanimate object mock me. I can't believe someone real, but I can believe an object. When I put it in that perspective, I feel foolish. I let something so trivial shape the person I am.

But we all do it. We define ourselves by the label we wear, the music we listen to, the games we play, the coffee we drink, the cars we drive, or even the jobs we have. They are all like mirrors. They are what define us most of the time. However, we are children of a God who has everything we could want. We fill ourselves with temporary happiness in our apperances and possessions.

Those things are exactly that: temporary. However, being defined by God and who we are in God are forever. We are never imperfect in His eyes. Do you let yourself be defined by objects instead of Christ? Do you remind others how beautiful they are?

Empty in Happiness, Filled in True Happiness...

Happiness: a word that brings a bit of joy into our hearts just by considering it. When nothing goes wrong, when all trials are halted for a brief moment of rest, these are some of the times where it almost feels like we're walking blindfolded. Yes, I mean blindfolded. We love happiness. We love peace. Sometimes it's hard to see what could possibly go wrong when you're embracing this happiness, this peace.

Day after day with no troubles, you could walk into the same coffee shop and still not realize the problem. You go home, hang out with some friends, play some video games and do some other things. And then you end your day. As the days, months, years go by, you come to feel empty. Like there's nothing going on inside. You can't feel God working within you. You realize it. An inexplicable emptiness is what you feel inside your soul. Your "happiness" had just come to an end when you reach that inner turmoil. You feel you're reaching out in darkness, not knowing what's in front of you. You can't see the light ahead of you. It's disorienting. You've been blinded so long by the hours you've spent in your familiar coffee shop. You see nothing ahead of you, you feeling nothing inside of you, you think that you have lost God in all of this.

Happiness is a word that we all love. We love to embrace it. But that feeling of emptiness falls on you. Can you even think to know the reason? Suffering. Now that is a word no one entertains the thought of. We dislike feeling pain because it's what brings our family members to commit suicide, to engage in wrongdoings. It hurts us, brings tears to our eyes. Suffering is not the reason for this feeling of emptiness. In this time of happiness, we start to feel as if God isn't even there. Like He's decided you aren't worthy for Him. That's not true at all. Perhaps it's more of a thing that we can't see God in the midst of all of our empty feeling. Maybe our blindfold is so strong that we can't even see Him.

All this time, you've been living this period of time where nothing has gone wrong. Have you ever considered that happiness can be bad for your soul? What a way to take this into a confusing turn, I suppose. We've always known the word "happy" to mean something that will make us smile every day. Sure, you'll stil smile even after that sickness of emptiness starts to kick in... That is, you'll still smile as long as people are around. And we've always known that "suffering" has always been something that hurts us, something that will only bring us tears. You know... Let's just think about this.

God gives us trials to endure so that one day, instead of still feeding on milk like babies, we can chew solid food. God gives us trials to build us up so that we're not weak when dangers come our way. If we live a life purely of happiness, then we can lose sight of God and true happiness. True happiness come with suffering. True happiness comes with tears. Face it, you want a happy life, you're going to have to face everything you're afraid of. There are people out there who may have broken your heart. Be thankful to them. Now I bet this sounds a bit crazy, huh? But, no, be thankful to them because of the suffering they have given you, because in that suffering, you have come closer to true happiness. And let's face it, we won't be truly happy until we're in Heaven with God. :P

Happiness. Happiness is a word that is deceitful sometimes. I think happiness is not a feeling we truly understand. It's so fickle sometimes. One minute you're happy, and the next, you're sobbing in your pillow. When you realize that you've been lacking in suffering, you can see the light penetrating your blindfold. Eventually, God's gentle hands come and take that blindfold off once you realize that He is there, even when you start feeling empty in happiness. Empty in happiness, who would've though? Now, I'm not saying you should go out and bring suffering upon yourself. I'm not saying that if you're happy, then you're wrong. If you are happy, my advice is to spread it to those around you. Smiles are nice, but believe me, hugs are so much better. ;) At least if you're feeling empty in happiness, you can give others a piece of happiness to take home with them. You're accomplishing something in that task.

There's a flip side to the coin that perhaps Yuki or I will soon explain. Too much happiness can lead to that empty feeling. What a weird concept. However, it is not wrong to be happy either... It almost makes no sense, but it does at the same time. When you can see what's been blinding you, you can really learn just what mistakes are involved with your happiness. We can only try to understand happiness better. True happiness is hard to attain. We only know the happiness that leads to emptiness. Do you know where to find your true happiness? I know where. It comes from that Father sitting with His Son up in the skies. Let's try to reach for that True Happiness.

Trusting In God

Since we've talked about people breaking our trust, I feel that it's only fair we talk about when we feel God lets us down. I have struggled a lot with this and so it's very close to my heart. There are times when I feel that God has let me down, walked away, and is done with me. In the back of my mind, I know that this is far from true. However, when life gets rough and the world feels like it's crashing around me, all I can think of is how I am alone and abandoned.

I am imperfection at its finest. I will never be a perfect person. I will never be perfect at anything that I do. All I can do is strive and I know that even that will not be enough. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not going to be perfect or even close to it. It's hard to see the point of continuing a journey that seems entirely futile.

Yet, that's the beauty of it as well. Even in the midst of my pain and suffering, it's amazing to see the things that God has done to show me the joy and enternity that comes from this life. One of my favorite quotes of all times says; "I never said the journey would be easy, I just said it would be worth it." It's so true that it's not going to be easy. If it were easy, why would we need the forgiveness and grace that comes from God? Or if it wasn't worth it, why would there be such a rich reward at the end?

We struggle so much with people and trusting them. They betray our trust. They lie, cheat, steal, abuse, and take advantage of us. We're just pawns to them. It hurts. It always does. So when God isn't there like we need Him to be, it's easy to say that He is the source of our problem. We want to believe that there is a God who is there throughout all things, who will take care of us, who will make for us a place in His house. Yet, there's so many troubles in this world.

So why does it feel like God betrays us? It's partly our faults. We want someone or something to blame for the troubles in this world. We want there to be an explanation as to why it all happened. Every time we question and doubt, there's always a wedge that's placed between us and God. It's not that He's not there. He is. It's just that it's hard to feel His presence when there are all the doubts about Him. You are the reason why He sent His son on the cross. You are the reason He went through everything.

It hurts God just as much as it hurts us when we feel like He's not there and blame Him. We're the ones who are destroying our relationship with Him. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. When God calls us, He asks that we believe in Him, to put our faith in Him.

Faith is not about having all the answers for the trials in this world. It's not having the clear picture for our future, for His plan, and His design. Faith is about believing in something wholeheartedly in something that is not seen. It doesn't mean that we test the waters and if we decide that it isn't for us and turn away. It's something we have to believe in all the time, no matter how hard the times get.

I hope that you put everything in God, throughout the trials of this world. He'll be there for you. He'll catch you when you're falling and love you when you feel alone. But don't also forget that you are going to stumble and fall. You're going to make mistakes. God has grace and forgiveness for you. He has everything for you. :)

Prepare for Rain Part Two

I realized in the last post that I covered distractions keeping us prepared for rain. However, I didn't cover everything that could happen. There are times in our lives when we're struggling to keep hold on to our hope. There are times when we are holding on to what little we have and it doesn't seem like enough. We fear that we won't be rescued in time before we stumble completely and end up all alone in the darkness.

Froom personal experience, there have been times where the thread of hope that I've held on to started to break, and I did not know what I was going to do if nothing worked out for me. I had nothing to help me through that except for that thread. It was the only thing keeping me from ending up in darkness. There were times where I thought the thread broke and I had nothing, but it wasn't that it broke, it was that I couldn't see it anymore.

The thread was invisible and while I could still feel it, I couldn't see it. It's easier to believe that something isn't there when it's invisible. Because my heart convinced me that it was gone, I led my life the only way I knew how. I had closed everything off because there was nothing left. I was on my own. I was fighting for myself. I was trying to get myself out by looking for visible things that were merely a mirage.

They enticed, they campaigned, they drew me in because they were solid. I could see them, I could touch them, I could count on them to be the same. That wasn't true. However, because I had closed off, that was all I knew. I had stopped preparing for rain. I had stopped preparing for God to save me because I was onvinced He wasn't going to.

One day, I felt a small tug. I knew it was that thread again. I searched for it, tried to grasp on to it again, but it wasn't there. It was still invisible. It continued to tug and pull me away. It drew back to the point where I could feel it again. I could feel the coarse thread in my hands again. Every step I took closer to finding more of that thread, the thicker it got.

I opened my heart, I prepared it for God. I let Him dwell there. I just had to keep preparing to receive His help.

We all have our times where we're not sure where the thread is or watch with dismay as the thread starts to shrink. However, we have to keep preparing for God to come and change our lives. If we close off our hearts, He can't do anything unless it's prepared. It's like asking God to make for us a feast without providing the items required. We can't have everything from nothing. If we expect that, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Prepare for Rain

I'm looking for the answers,
but am looking in the wrong place.
I'm waiting for Your voice,
but am not listening to the call.
I'm holding on to hope,
but am letting it slip through my fingers.
I'm crying out for You to save me,
but am burying myself deeper.
I'm long for Your healing,
but am breaking my heart more.
I'm writing songs of praise,
but am thinking words of poison.
I'm seeking Your glorious face,
but am veiling my eyes with evil.
I'm wanting You to be near,
but am pushing you away.
I'm needing Your love,
but am closing up my heart.
(Written by Yukioh, 08/09/10)

Above is a list of contradictions in my life. I know exactly what I want. I know exactly who provides it for me, but I let distractions get in my way. I can see the answer, I can hear the voice, I can feel it in my heart. Yet, it is all set aside for what? Is there a reason why I do these things? Is this the reason why I suffer so much?

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's just part of what everyone struggles with though. When we commit ourselves to Christ, we have several expectations. We know of the grace, love, and promises God gives us. We want all of those and expect them to fall into place. When they don't, we get angry. Our lives weren't supposed to be that way. Our lives weren't supposed to be filled with struggles, suffering, and emptiness.

So we ask ourselves where God is in our lives. We say we're trying. We say we're looking, but are we contradicting ourselves? We can say all that we want, but it comes down to our actions. How many nights have you spent in prayer, asking God for a small sign that everything is going to be all right? I've spent several. His sign, however, may not be the sign I'm looking for. It could be as simple as the dawn of a new day, showing us that He has given us another day for life, another day for Him.

Yet, we're so convinced that there's another sign. We keep looking, we keep waiting, but we're not prepared for it. As the movie Facing the Giants says, we have to prepare for rain. We're waiting for everything, but not prepared for when it happens or comes. Because we're not doing so, we end up with a list of contradictions.

We end up with the list of things in our lives that we've fallen prey to. We let other things consume us while we are waiting. So why do we wait for the Lord if we are not prepared? How can we better prepare for His arrival? And what can we do to make sure we don't let our hearts and minds get distracted in the mean time?