Empty in Happiness, Filled in True Happiness...

Happiness: a word that brings a bit of joy into our hearts just by considering it. When nothing goes wrong, when all trials are halted for a brief moment of rest, these are some of the times where it almost feels like we're walking blindfolded. Yes, I mean blindfolded. We love happiness. We love peace. Sometimes it's hard to see what could possibly go wrong when you're embracing this happiness, this peace.

Day after day with no troubles, you could walk into the same coffee shop and still not realize the problem. You go home, hang out with some friends, play some video games and do some other things. And then you end your day. As the days, months, years go by, you come to feel empty. Like there's nothing going on inside. You can't feel God working within you. You realize it. An inexplicable emptiness is what you feel inside your soul. Your "happiness" had just come to an end when you reach that inner turmoil. You feel you're reaching out in darkness, not knowing what's in front of you. You can't see the light ahead of you. It's disorienting. You've been blinded so long by the hours you've spent in your familiar coffee shop. You see nothing ahead of you, you feeling nothing inside of you, you think that you have lost God in all of this.

Happiness is a word that we all love. We love to embrace it. But that feeling of emptiness falls on you. Can you even think to know the reason? Suffering. Now that is a word no one entertains the thought of. We dislike feeling pain because it's what brings our family members to commit suicide, to engage in wrongdoings. It hurts us, brings tears to our eyes. Suffering is not the reason for this feeling of emptiness. In this time of happiness, we start to feel as if God isn't even there. Like He's decided you aren't worthy for Him. That's not true at all. Perhaps it's more of a thing that we can't see God in the midst of all of our empty feeling. Maybe our blindfold is so strong that we can't even see Him.

All this time, you've been living this period of time where nothing has gone wrong. Have you ever considered that happiness can be bad for your soul? What a way to take this into a confusing turn, I suppose. We've always known the word "happy" to mean something that will make us smile every day. Sure, you'll stil smile even after that sickness of emptiness starts to kick in... That is, you'll still smile as long as people are around. And we've always known that "suffering" has always been something that hurts us, something that will only bring us tears. You know... Let's just think about this.

God gives us trials to endure so that one day, instead of still feeding on milk like babies, we can chew solid food. God gives us trials to build us up so that we're not weak when dangers come our way. If we live a life purely of happiness, then we can lose sight of God and true happiness. True happiness come with suffering. True happiness comes with tears. Face it, you want a happy life, you're going to have to face everything you're afraid of. There are people out there who may have broken your heart. Be thankful to them. Now I bet this sounds a bit crazy, huh? But, no, be thankful to them because of the suffering they have given you, because in that suffering, you have come closer to true happiness. And let's face it, we won't be truly happy until we're in Heaven with God. :P

Happiness. Happiness is a word that is deceitful sometimes. I think happiness is not a feeling we truly understand. It's so fickle sometimes. One minute you're happy, and the next, you're sobbing in your pillow. When you realize that you've been lacking in suffering, you can see the light penetrating your blindfold. Eventually, God's gentle hands come and take that blindfold off once you realize that He is there, even when you start feeling empty in happiness. Empty in happiness, who would've though? Now, I'm not saying you should go out and bring suffering upon yourself. I'm not saying that if you're happy, then you're wrong. If you are happy, my advice is to spread it to those around you. Smiles are nice, but believe me, hugs are so much better. ;) At least if you're feeling empty in happiness, you can give others a piece of happiness to take home with them. You're accomplishing something in that task.

There's a flip side to the coin that perhaps Yuki or I will soon explain. Too much happiness can lead to that empty feeling. What a weird concept. However, it is not wrong to be happy either... It almost makes no sense, but it does at the same time. When you can see what's been blinding you, you can really learn just what mistakes are involved with your happiness. We can only try to understand happiness better. True happiness is hard to attain. We only know the happiness that leads to emptiness. Do you know where to find your true happiness? I know where. It comes from that Father sitting with His Son up in the skies. Let's try to reach for that True Happiness.

Trusting In God

Since we've talked about people breaking our trust, I feel that it's only fair we talk about when we feel God lets us down. I have struggled a lot with this and so it's very close to my heart. There are times when I feel that God has let me down, walked away, and is done with me. In the back of my mind, I know that this is far from true. However, when life gets rough and the world feels like it's crashing around me, all I can think of is how I am alone and abandoned.

I am imperfection at its finest. I will never be a perfect person. I will never be perfect at anything that I do. All I can do is strive and I know that even that will not be enough. It's hard for me to accept that I'm not going to be perfect or even close to it. It's hard to see the point of continuing a journey that seems entirely futile.

Yet, that's the beauty of it as well. Even in the midst of my pain and suffering, it's amazing to see the things that God has done to show me the joy and enternity that comes from this life. One of my favorite quotes of all times says; "I never said the journey would be easy, I just said it would be worth it." It's so true that it's not going to be easy. If it were easy, why would we need the forgiveness and grace that comes from God? Or if it wasn't worth it, why would there be such a rich reward at the end?

We struggle so much with people and trusting them. They betray our trust. They lie, cheat, steal, abuse, and take advantage of us. We're just pawns to them. It hurts. It always does. So when God isn't there like we need Him to be, it's easy to say that He is the source of our problem. We want to believe that there is a God who is there throughout all things, who will take care of us, who will make for us a place in His house. Yet, there's so many troubles in this world.

So why does it feel like God betrays us? It's partly our faults. We want someone or something to blame for the troubles in this world. We want there to be an explanation as to why it all happened. Every time we question and doubt, there's always a wedge that's placed between us and God. It's not that He's not there. He is. It's just that it's hard to feel His presence when there are all the doubts about Him. You are the reason why He sent His son on the cross. You are the reason He went through everything.

It hurts God just as much as it hurts us when we feel like He's not there and blame Him. We're the ones who are destroying our relationship with Him. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. When God calls us, He asks that we believe in Him, to put our faith in Him.

Faith is not about having all the answers for the trials in this world. It's not having the clear picture for our future, for His plan, and His design. Faith is about believing in something wholeheartedly in something that is not seen. It doesn't mean that we test the waters and if we decide that it isn't for us and turn away. It's something we have to believe in all the time, no matter how hard the times get.

I hope that you put everything in God, throughout the trials of this world. He'll be there for you. He'll catch you when you're falling and love you when you feel alone. But don't also forget that you are going to stumble and fall. You're going to make mistakes. God has grace and forgiveness for you. He has everything for you. :)

Prepare for Rain Part Two

I realized in the last post that I covered distractions keeping us prepared for rain. However, I didn't cover everything that could happen. There are times in our lives when we're struggling to keep hold on to our hope. There are times when we are holding on to what little we have and it doesn't seem like enough. We fear that we won't be rescued in time before we stumble completely and end up all alone in the darkness.

Froom personal experience, there have been times where the thread of hope that I've held on to started to break, and I did not know what I was going to do if nothing worked out for me. I had nothing to help me through that except for that thread. It was the only thing keeping me from ending up in darkness. There were times where I thought the thread broke and I had nothing, but it wasn't that it broke, it was that I couldn't see it anymore.

The thread was invisible and while I could still feel it, I couldn't see it. It's easier to believe that something isn't there when it's invisible. Because my heart convinced me that it was gone, I led my life the only way I knew how. I had closed everything off because there was nothing left. I was on my own. I was fighting for myself. I was trying to get myself out by looking for visible things that were merely a mirage.

They enticed, they campaigned, they drew me in because they were solid. I could see them, I could touch them, I could count on them to be the same. That wasn't true. However, because I had closed off, that was all I knew. I had stopped preparing for rain. I had stopped preparing for God to save me because I was onvinced He wasn't going to.

One day, I felt a small tug. I knew it was that thread again. I searched for it, tried to grasp on to it again, but it wasn't there. It was still invisible. It continued to tug and pull me away. It drew back to the point where I could feel it again. I could feel the coarse thread in my hands again. Every step I took closer to finding more of that thread, the thicker it got.

I opened my heart, I prepared it for God. I let Him dwell there. I just had to keep preparing to receive His help.

We all have our times where we're not sure where the thread is or watch with dismay as the thread starts to shrink. However, we have to keep preparing for God to come and change our lives. If we close off our hearts, He can't do anything unless it's prepared. It's like asking God to make for us a feast without providing the items required. We can't have everything from nothing. If we expect that, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Prepare for Rain

I'm looking for the answers,
but am looking in the wrong place.
I'm waiting for Your voice,
but am not listening to the call.
I'm holding on to hope,
but am letting it slip through my fingers.
I'm crying out for You to save me,
but am burying myself deeper.
I'm long for Your healing,
but am breaking my heart more.
I'm writing songs of praise,
but am thinking words of poison.
I'm seeking Your glorious face,
but am veiling my eyes with evil.
I'm wanting You to be near,
but am pushing you away.
I'm needing Your love,
but am closing up my heart.
(Written by Yukioh, 08/09/10)

Above is a list of contradictions in my life. I know exactly what I want. I know exactly who provides it for me, but I let distractions get in my way. I can see the answer, I can hear the voice, I can feel it in my heart. Yet, it is all set aside for what? Is there a reason why I do these things? Is this the reason why I suffer so much?

Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's just part of what everyone struggles with though. When we commit ourselves to Christ, we have several expectations. We know of the grace, love, and promises God gives us. We want all of those and expect them to fall into place. When they don't, we get angry. Our lives weren't supposed to be that way. Our lives weren't supposed to be filled with struggles, suffering, and emptiness.

So we ask ourselves where God is in our lives. We say we're trying. We say we're looking, but are we contradicting ourselves? We can say all that we want, but it comes down to our actions. How many nights have you spent in prayer, asking God for a small sign that everything is going to be all right? I've spent several. His sign, however, may not be the sign I'm looking for. It could be as simple as the dawn of a new day, showing us that He has given us another day for life, another day for Him.

Yet, we're so convinced that there's another sign. We keep looking, we keep waiting, but we're not prepared for it. As the movie Facing the Giants says, we have to prepare for rain. We're waiting for everything, but not prepared for when it happens or comes. Because we're not doing so, we end up with a list of contradictions.

We end up with the list of things in our lives that we've fallen prey to. We let other things consume us while we are waiting. So why do we wait for the Lord if we are not prepared? How can we better prepare for His arrival? And what can we do to make sure we don't let our hearts and minds get distracted in the mean time?

Broken Trust

There are times when we feel so cold in life, like there's nothing in our hearts even if we've given our hearts to our Savior. We lose faith. It becomes hard to put our trust in people, especially when we've been betrayed before. We tend to keep our feelings inward, deciding that humans aren't worth giving our trust. Trust is such a hard thing. We've been broken, we've been hurt. we've been empty.

I know that at some point in our lives, we all have struggled with these things in one way oranother. Trust is a hard thing for me. Thoughts like "Will they think I'm stupid for thinking this?" or "Will they abandon me once I tell them this?" have gone through my head more than once. And I'm sure they've gone through your at least at one point in your life. It's so hard to confide in people today. There's so much betrayal going around, especially in schools. Teens have the roughest time. We tend to struggle endlessly with drama. The drama within schools has made us, the teens, very unstable. We're afraid to confess our struggles to other people.

A writer's forum I'm on recently held a Moot, a writer's conference I guess you could say. Trust is such a struggle for me too. I keep my feelings inside, and it often leaves my heart feeling heavy. One day was all it took for me to let my barriers fall in front of the people at the Moot. The weight I had been carrying just rolled off my shoulders. I feel refreshed, someone new who came back from this place. It is so great when you can find that group of people who you can immediately put your trust into. God was looking out for me. He knew exactly what I needed.

Sometimes, it is not immediate that we find these groups of people who will listen to you and not betray you. Sometimes, we are meant to endure the pain of the broken trust. This experience of having our trust broken, I think, somehow builds us up for the rest of our lives. It's like the closet virus. We can't shove away the pain of the trust that was broken by someone in our lives. We can only endure it and try our best to help other people who also struggle with it. But that's still hard, isn't it? How can we help someone if we have no trust in anyone?

That's a matter of your own heart. In order to help anyone with broken trust, you have to have your own heart set out straight. Without trust, no one will be helped. Your heart must be in alignment with what you want to do. You can't remain distrustful of the people around you, especially if you want to help them. A word of caution out to you, however.... There are people who want to take advantage of your trust. They will use it to their own advantage and then drag you through the mud. And then they will leave you there, dirty and beaten, to die our in the rain. It's a painful road. Trust and distrust. What are we to do?

Ultimately, we are to trust in God. Psalm 62:8 says, "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Our God is our refuge, we can trust in Him at all times, and He will never betray us. We tend to miss this detail, skip over it like a section we don't like in a book. If we can put our trust in Him, then maybe we can be able to distinguish the good and the bad. Maybe we can find a way to put our trust into people instantly, like that one moment at Moot. It hurts at first when you let your guard completely down, but it's refreshing that we are able to do so. Without relieving ourselves of our pain, we break our hearts over and over.

I'm tired of my heart breaking. I want it to be in one piece in the hands of its Maker. After that experience at Moot, I hope that I will not let myself remain completely distrutful of people. There are people we can confide in. We don't have to do this alone, but we often try to which leads to our downfall. It will hurt, it will, but remember the relief you will feel afterward.

I leave this post at trust in the Lord. He will surely provide those who you can confide in. And if you struggle with a broken trust, then maybe you can join me in working on who we can pour ourselves out to. This journey is one that only God can help us on. We were made to trust a God higher than all, and so, we were also made to trust people.

Just Try

Have you ever thought that you're worthless? How about useless? Stupid? Pathetic? Unable to accomplish anything? That you're just not good at anything? Don't feel like you're alone. Many have felt the same.

This has been on my mind a lot lately, and I realize that I've been struggling with some of these questions myself. And what do you do when you find this out? You get depressed. Lately, I've been thinking about what I want to do as a career. I found out that I'm not perfect at playing music. I found out I'm not perfect at writing either. I found out I'm not perfect at writing music. I found out my writing isn't perfect. I found out my drawings aren't perfect. All this leads me to think "I'm not perfect, so how can I even dream to achieve my goals or let alone have a job?"

Now before you bop me on the head, I do have something to say. I already knew that I wasn't perfect, and that I can only try to achieve perfection (but really now, only God can be perfect). The issue actually was not that I could never be perfect. The issue was that I kept telling myself "I can't". Things like "I can't write music because I'm not awesome at it" kept popping into my head. Then I went to a memorial for one of my friend's grandma. I thought "Why can't I?" I tried to think up a good reason to say why I can't.

All this time, I had been calling myself pathetic because I couldn't do anything perfectly. Right now, I wonder what in the world was I thinking? I can't say I can't if I haven't tried! I'm not even through highschool yet... And if I really wanted to achieve my dreams then I should try with all my might to achieve those dreams. "I can't" is not a reason. It's an excuse. It's a fear of trying.

If you want to achieve your dreams, you can't let other people try to laugh at your dream. You can't be afraid to mess up. Today, everyone learns from their mistakes. No one ever learns from their perfection. Mistakes are a good thing because they help you to know not to do that again. However, we shouldn't try to make mistakes on purpose. You'll only be hurting yourself if you do that.

So with all this said, there is a dream that you have. Don't let anything stop you from pursuing it. God made us to have dreams. Even God has dreams He wants to achieve. Do you see Him quitting? Let's stop telling ourselves that we can't, and let's start trying instead. You can't be perfect, but you can sure do your best to try to be better everyday. Also, what you write/draw/play/whatever might not sound good to you, but some other person might think it's brilliant. Don't give up. That's a note to me too.

Because He Lives

There are moments in life when we are smacked on the head with realization of something. It can happen at the most random times or the moments when we are lost and utterly confused. I am going to stray a little from the topic and talk about my moment where I realized something very important. I feel that we lose this message far too often and it is good to have a reminder somewhere to reference back to when we need.

My moment of realization took place yesterday during church. We were singing a song called “Because He Lives” and one of the lines in that song goes “And life is worth the living just because He lives”.

While coming home from church, I was thinking through the songs and the messages. I realized something very important that I had missed before. For several years, I have struggled in several aspects of my life. Each of these struggles have affected my life in different aspects, mostly bad.

I constantly battle between who I am and what I want to be. Usually, I set aside God and everything that He has done for me (I’m not perfect and because I do that, it hurts me even more to know that I set aside God for something that eventually led me nowhere).

Because of some of my choices, I have come to regret and hate what I have done. It hurts me to know that I am the one who caused this separation between me and God. My life has been this constant back and forth between trying to find a reason to keep on going. That song really touched me because I realized that I had a reason worth living.

I had everything right in front of me and I ignored it all. God was my reason for living. He was the reason that I have continued to move forward each day. He is the reason and because of that reason, I can go on. I can fight. I can be strong. I can endure. I can do everything because of Him.

I had convinced myself that I was not worth anything and that I could never be forgiven for what I have done to myself. God proved me wrong. He showed me that I still had a reason to live and in spite of everything that He still loves me. What’s even more is that He takes me back, no matter how broken or bruised I am. No matter what I think of myself or of my life up until this point. He always wraps His arms around me and gives me another reason to continue fighting.

He loves me even more and when I fall down, He is the first by my side. He does not care about my flaws. He does not care about my past. He does not care about my current problems. He is always back, waiting for me to reach out to Him. He does not see this ugly person, He sees His child that has finally come back to Him. He feeds me, He comforts me, He sits by my side, He tells me how much He loves me. Even if I have done things that I regret, they are now a part of me and He still accepts me.
I cannot go back and change the past.

I can’t change my words, actions, thoughts, or behavior. They are now a part of who I am and what I have become. They are what make me the person I am today. They are what influence my choices and have become a layer in the foundation that is laid. What is more is that I do not have to let my past bring me back to the places where I do not ever want to return.

That does not mean I have to forget my past in order to move on. It is a part of me. I can, however, use it as a powerful testament to others instead of letting it be a weight that brings me down. My past is my story. It is my tale of how I came to God and how God healed me. It is the same for you.

You can help other people and share your message with them. Don’t let your past or present control you. You can control. If you ever need help, we are here and God is waiting to be by your side as well. Do not think let others tell you otherwise. There is always help. Will you accept it?

Worry Not

I know that we get frustrated with some things in our lives. Sometimes we just get so consumed with all the worries that go on around us that we go blind on all the blessings we have. Worry: something that pulls our main focus away from our path. Whenever crisis comes, we tend to flip out and run around like little children in fear of tomorrow. So often, people have tried to predict the end of the world, and guess what? It scared people. They worried about the world ending. Right now, they should know that the world is going to end when God says it’s going to end instead of fretting about it. Worry is often frightening.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about Running Start (or otherwise known as doing high school but at a college) and worrying that I won’t know exactly what I want to do when I get there. I keep getting frustrated because I don’t know everything I want with my life. And now, I’m worn out throughout the day and have a hard time dealing with talking to people. School gets really boring. I know that when some people get frustrated, they say things they don’t mean to. It might be different for me. I know the things I should say, and in truth, they are the nice things that people need to hear. But I don’t say them. I get worried that I’m going to have a mental breakdown before Running Start.

Thinking about it now, I wonder what would happen if I stopped worrying about the future. I know that all the way that God will be right beside me. Maybe this is more of a time for prayer. This school year, well, it’s been pretty boring. I’ve been falling asleep during class. I’ve been forgetting things as soon as I learn them. And though I know I don’t have the greatest memory, I know that I should be trying harder than this. Thing is, I have so much of my life ahead of me. If I spent all my time trying to pick out all the little things that make me shaken, then I will have a mental breakdown. I guess this is why God says not to worry about tomorrow. (Matt. 6:34) If I truly want to follow Him, then I should trust Him with my future. That’s not to say that I shouldn’t think about what I want to do for Running Start. God knows exactly what He has planned for me.

So instead of running around like children, screaming because we're consumed with worry, we should let God handle the worries of life. We have so much to deal with already. Why should we have another thing on our plate? There is no need to waste days in our worries; I know that there are more things that need my attention now. :)